


You & I

by PinkLotus (EspurrsVena)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band), Produce 101 (Japan TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Guess who, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, missing others, night talk, no beta we die like real men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24981793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EspurrsVena/pseuds/PinkLotus
Summary: There is still someone Sho can't let go off, thus making him seek the comfort of the only person who understands him. Yet their relationship isn't as easy as it seemed like anymore, too.
Relationships: Shiroiwa Ruki/Yonashiro Sho
Kudos: 15





	You & I

_Hey, it’s been a while. How are you? I’m fine, but I miss you a lot._  
Another sleepless night, another message he wrote but never sent, another draft that mocked him.  
It’s been like that since a few months. Every time Sho couldn’t sleep at night, he wanted to reach out a certain person. But in the end, all those messages became a draft. He was too much a coward to send them. Too much time has passed, too much things have happened that made him hesitate to contact the person he longed for. Maybe he had made it worse by staying silent. 

Once more instead of sending the message, Sho decided to seek out the person who most likely understood him the most. He felt bad for burdening him with his own worries, but at the same time the younger one had offered him to come at any time. Thus, in the middle of the night, he made his way to Ruki’s room. 

“Ruki? It’s me, Sho. Sorry to bother you at this time.”  
Usually, it would be the way around, Ruki coming over to his room when they both couldn’t sleep. Also, the younger one normally didn’t let anyone into his room. Yet Sho wasn’t anyone. The door was opened for him. 

“It’s alright. Come in.” While Ruki was wearing his nightclothes already, the untouched bed showed that he didn’t even tried to sleep yet. But unlike Sho he had a bright smile on his face. Sho knew the reason. He had heard the news earlier, too. They were one of the reasons why he wasn't able to sleep that night.  
Still, seeing it made him wonder why he had sought out Ruki. They didn’t share the same problem anymore. 

“You must be very happy about it, aren’t you?” It was only a rhetorical question. Of course, Ruki would be happy in that moment. But he didn’t know what else to say in that moment. 

“I am. It’s not like I hoped it would be back in the days, but it’s something.” Yes, it was something. Something better than his own situation. Somehow it made him envious in more than one way. Not only he lost the person who he shared his worries with, he also didn’t want to share Ruki. Yet, he knew that he had been a mere replacement. Their bond wasn’t that deep; they didn’t know each other that long. 

“I’m happy for you.” Sho wasn't sure whether he was lying in that moment. He was happy that Ruki was happy besides his envy. Also, everyone deserved a that. Everyone had done their best in the past. 

“But what’s with you? Is it the usual thing?” As much as Sho needed the other one right now, he hesitated to answer. He didn’t want to ruin the other one’s happiness and also, he wondered if it was appropriate still. The news had made their relationship even more complicated.  
Yet Ruki was observant. He didn’t need a spoken answer. He took Sho’s hand and gently pulled him inside. “It’s okay.” 

When the door was closed behind him, Ruki wrapped his thin arms around him and gave him the comfort he needed.  
The first time, he found himself in Ruki’s arms he was surprised how good they made him feel. The arms he craved were the opposite of ones around him. They were strong, even stronger than his own ones. Maybe that was the exact reason why those arms gave him comfort. Because they distracted him instead of reminding him. 

“What are you planning to do? Will you go back?” Before he could make a move, Sho needed to know. He didn’t want to make the other one uncomfortable. He could shoulder the burden alone. He didn’t want Ruki to feel responsible for him. 

“Too much time has passed. I don’t think we can go back to what we were.” Ruki’s smile changed into a bittersweet one and Sho felt the same smile creeping to his face. It was the bitter truth. No matter how much he missed a certain person, deep down he knew that they would never be the same ones as they were. He was clinging to the past and he didn’t know why he couldn’t let go of it. “But he is still my best friend and that will never change. It’s just like in the good old days.” 

Maybe that was the reason why Sho couldn’t let go. Unlike Ruki he had no point to return, too. They had no time before. No point to reset to. Still the other one was someone precious to him no matter what. “I see.” 

“Stop thinking about the past.” Suddenly Ruki’s lips were on his own and indeed it pulled him back to the present. The kiss was a short one, unlike what he expected first, but it helped to clean his mind. He was feeling lighter as if that simple kiss had taken away his worries. But he knew that deep down they were still there. One day they would return to haunt him. 

“Ruki, I...” He wanted to say something but suddenly he was lost for words. What should he say? Thank Ruki for making him feel better at least temporally? Apologising for coming again late at night? Or something else? 

“You don’t have to say anything.” One of the reasons why Ruki was so good with words was that he was good in reading people. You didn’t need much words with him because he could do the talking for you. “It’s alright.” 

Ruki’s lips met his own ones again and Sho realised that it wasn’t alright. He realised what was bothering him so much. It wasn’t his envy, it wasn’t his clinging to the past, it was his guilt. He felt guilty for using Ruki like that. While it was true that they used to share the same struggle, he felt like he was using Ruki to forget his pain. He was the older one, the leader, he should have been above using people for selfish reasons.  
So, he pushed Ruki away. “I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” Confusion was visible on the younger one’s face. That Ruki didn’t seem to realise that he was used only confirmed to Sho that he shouldn’t have done what he did in the past. 

“I’m a selfish bastard who used you. I’ve used you to forget someone else and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” He had to find a different way to deal with his feelings. He couldn’t stay selfish forever. Ruki deserved a better treatment. Ruki deserved someone better than him.

“But we are the same, aren’t we? I used you, too.” No, they weren’t the same in Sho’s eyes. Ruki was much more vulnerable, more fragile as him. Sho should have been the strong one and stepped away before it had started. 

“We are not. You are frailer than me-” Yet before he could finish the sentence, Ruki stopped him. 

“I am not! I’ve been through so much more than you. Just because I don’t have a six pack, I’m not frail. I choose that on my own. I choose you because I wanted you.” There was no point in arguing back because Ruki captured his lips again. The kiss wasn’t as soft as the previous ones. No, this time the younger one put passion into it as if he wanted to prove that he played an active role in their dynamic, too. That he wasn't a mere victim of Sho's selfishness.  
Usually those kisses were reserved for the most desperate nights., the nights when they needed to feel alive the most, the nights when they needed someone else the most. And Sho, he became weak again. He let the passion overtake again. 

Soon they ended up in the previously untouched bed, still not being able to part from each other. When they finally parted to catch their breathes, Sho still couldn’t take off his eyes from Ruki. The blonde one looked at him, too, his eyes were like stars in the darkness of the room. In that moment another realisation hit Sho.  
The real reason why he was feeling guilty for using Ruki was that he had feelings for him. Ruki was more than someone he shared a burden with, more than a group member, more than someone who could make his worries disappear. “I love you.” 

He only noticed that he had said it out loud was when Ruki looked surprised. It was one of the rare moments when Ruki was caught off guard and if Sho was honest, surprised Ruki was the cutest. He had a hard time not to kiss him again, but he wasn’t sure how the younger one would react to that. Sho didn’t even know why he said it. It was the truth, yes, but he only had realised it in that moment.  
“For real? Did you mean it?” 

“I did.” Maybe he hadn’t moved on completely yet, maybe he was still clinging to a piece of his heart that was taken for him, but the rest of his heart belonged to person that he just confessed, too. His heart had chosen to fall for the person who helped him to heal. The process might not be finished yet, but he was sure that even once the process was finished, his heart would still choose Ruki. 

Ruki meanwhile still seemed like he didn’t process the confession fully. As much as Sho wanted to give him a confirmation that he meant it truly, he wanted to give him time first. As freely as his heart had chosen to fall for his group member, he wanted Ruki to choose him freely, too. 

And Ruki choose him. After a few more moments, he started to smile as bright as the sun and he threw his arms around Sho’s wide shoulders. “Finally. I love you, too.” 

Eventually, Sho stayed in Ruki’s room that night. Their mutual confession made them unable to part from each other that night. Even sleep wasn’t an option for a while, so when Sho returned to his room it was noon already. He hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, but Ruki had forgotten to do grocery shopping once more. Thus, he decided to look at his stack and prepare something for both of them. 

However, there was something Sho had to do first. He took his phone and deleted all the unsent drafts. The period for longing was over. He stopped to cling to the past. Yet that didn’t mean that he didn’t value a certain someone as a good friend anymore.  
_Hey, it’s been a while. How are you? How are your debut preparations going?_

When he clicked the send-button, he didn’t feel the need to wait desperately for a reply. Instead he laid his phone at a safe place and started to prepare the breakfast-lunch for himself and Ruki.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> I wanted to write them since Saturday and the original draft was a little different but well here we are.  
> Meanwhile I'm halfway through my thesis so don't worry about that one haha  
> See you~


End file.
